Humor
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day
and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track?
Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
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Children's View
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny groaned and responded , "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.
Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!"
Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying,
"Hello bitches and bastards!
Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint.
But when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit them out! They're assholes!"
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A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
The next day, the doorbell rings.
There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.
"Tell me a little about you."
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand."
Johnny: "My penis in your hand."
Teacher: "What?"
Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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"Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?"
"I see a Red Bird looking at me."
"Red Bird, Red Bird, what do you see?"
"I see a Yellow Duck looking at me."
"Yellow Duck, Yellow Duck, what do you see?"
"I see a Blue Horse looking at me."
"Blue Horse, Blue Horse, what do you see?"
"I see a Green Frog looking at me."
"Green Frog, Green Frog, what do you see?"
"I see a Purple Cat looking at me."
"Purple Cat, Purple Cat, what do you see?"
"I see a White Dog looking at me."
"White Dog, White Dog, what do you see?"
"I see a Black Sheep looking at me."
"Black Sheep, Black Sheep, what do you see?"
"I see a Goldfish looking at me......"
"We are a bunch of Party Animals with ADHD gathering around in the Animal Circus Circus on the hill."
Until the King of the Kings in the Animal Kingdom showed up, saying
"I see no animal in the funk. I only see myself, a puff up strong image."
Then the Lion says to itself in solitude,
"Party Animals are all blind, deaf, can't focus and have memory loss.
I have gone through magical plastic surgery and I am the mystical creatures of a Lion, an Ox, a Man, and an American Eagle."
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Older Women by Andy Rooney
If you're not an "older woman" yet, this will give you encouragement!
If you are an older woman and you didn't love Andy Rooney before, this may change your mind!
He says: "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of te night to ask, "What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment."
The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an
expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get
away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A young woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. She always knows.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right of you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning,
smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that
we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've
become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."
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Bumper Stickers For Women:
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Oh, my God, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag... You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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And last but not the least:
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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I've learned...
I've learned...
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closerit gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned...
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned...
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned...
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned...
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned...
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned...
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned...
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned...
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breth on your cheeks.
I've learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned...
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned...
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned...
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned...
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned...
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned...
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
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Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Husband #1 was a sales representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,
but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing;
although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist;
all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was...God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"